Someone who is possessive

The subject of having a possessive or controlling relationship partner may feel worlds away from the sweet sentiment behind asking someone to be your Valentine. However, many couples find there can be a slippery slope from desiring a lover to wanting to own them. When it comes to coping with feelings of jealousy or insecurity , couples can cross the line from love to possessiveness.

There are many subtle and not-so-subtle ways people attempt to control relationship partners as a means to calm their own emotions. In fact, attempts to exercise power over our partners actually serve to reduce and diminish our own attraction to them. When we try to control someone close to us, we limit them in ways that make them less themselves. We want our partners and ourselves for that matter to be fulfilled, well-rounded individuals who are fully alive.

When we make our partner feel guilty for choosing to spend time with friends, for example, we actually shrink their world. Otherwise, we take the air and life out of the relationship. So how can you stop the possessive patterns in your relationship? The first step is to understand why you engage in controlling behavior, and the second step is to deal with the underlying feelings that drive you toward an unequal dynamic.

Most of us have some degree of fear and insecurity surrounding our close relationships. These feelings can spring from deeper struggles we have with trust, low self-esteem, fears of rejection, loss or intimacy itself. These deep-seated emotions can lead to a desire to control.

Instead of exploring where these feelings come from, we tend to project them onto our partner and start acting out controlling behaviors that we hope will alleviate these painful feelings. For example, we may on some core level feel unlovable or like no one would ever choose us. This negative self-concept can lead us to act out all kinds of jealous or insecure behaviors with our partner. We may act victimized and wounded by any comment or action that we can construe as disregarding or rejecting.

All of these behavior patterns have a lot more to do with us than our partner. And most of them have deep roots in our past. As children, we developed strategies or defenses in an effort to protect ourselves from difficult or painful conditions. These early experiences shaped our expectations about relationships and the defenses we formed then still play out in our lives today.

That is why making sense of our own past and exploring our early attachment patterns can be very helpful in understanding our feelings of possessiveness as adults. For example, if we experienced an anxious attachment pattern growing up, we may have felt a lot of uncertainty around getting our needs met and felt like we had to cling to our parents to make them take care of us — in essence, to survive.

As adults, we may project these feelings onto our partner, feeling like we need to make things happen, remind them to notice us, etc. We may have a lot of anxiety about their movement, fearing rejection or abandonment. As a result, we relive the past, clinging or making efforts to control our partner, so we can feel secure. Unfortunately, because these feelings are rooted in our history, we rarely, if ever, get the reassurance we seek from acting out our old defenses in the present.

Instead, we repeat patterns from our childhood, acting on our insecurities, and often pushing our partner further away in the process.

The patterns and defenses we form growing up may have been adaptive to our childhood, but they can hurt our current relationships. However, there are real steps we can take to break patterns of defensiveness and achieve an equal and trusting relationship. Enhance our sense of self — If insecurity is at the root of our possessive behavior, we have to start to look at ways to bring more self-compassion into our lives.

We have to take steps to overcome our inner critic and truly accept that we are worthy and okay on our own, independent of anyone. We are strong and capable. Or hang out with your S. Time apart is an element of a healthy relationship, after all. Again, this often comes back to insecurity. Take note if "your partner is needy of your time and attention," Dr. Margaret Paul, Ph. You may even want to call in the help of a therapist at that point to help you figure out your next move.

Take a closer look at a partner whose one and only interest is hanging out or doing things with you. Couples should be able to comfortably spend time apart. If your partner is glued to your side, it's definitely time to have a talk. In order for the relationship to work, they'll have to do the inner work necessary to feel more at ease, instead of taking their insecurities out on you.

They mistake privacy for secrecy and in turn, you are robbed of your right to privacy. They might also talk about moving in together or getting married, even though your relationship is still so new. Another surprising sign? Kathy Nickerson , a licensed clinical psychologist. While it might not seem like a big deal, this move is a way for a possessive partner to stay in control, Nickerson says.

It's never easy to cope with a partner's insecurities , especially since they can occur to varying degrees. Some really great points, the end of number 7 throws me off though. There really should not be any type of attraction towards another person, and if there is cut that person off immediately before it grows into something more. This is wrong on so many levels. Might as well normalize cheating. This is just nonsense. The best advice is to break off the relationship and not look back.

Just let it go, and learn from the experience. Thanks Jack. I am in a situation I can only describe as weird and I think I just need to vent.

I married a very controlling and possessive man. Everything I do was wrong and he made it feel like I should just stay at home and be at his beck and call. Well, the relationship has run its course, but, like a fool, I wandered into another controlling and possessive man.

I find my life situation perplexing since I consider myself well educated with a prestigious career. He insists on knowing who I talk to and what they said. He only wants me to do activities with him and no one else. He just blocked me from attending a running clinic because guys would also be attending. I consider myself attractive and he goes insane with jealousy if a man looks at me or talks to me.

Not violent, but obnoxious and hyper sexual. Score another one for the girl who has no luck with men. Hope this helps.